I flip through the pages of my life
I see torn moments
Some blank moments, too
Crying to myself because the only constant
Was you
Tag: self care
Antidepressant
my brain is lacking dopamine
everything feels like a dream
in the mist of serotonin–noradrenaline
i start to wonder who really is genuine
PTSD Nightmares: The Nightly Battle
Over the last year, after losing my Mom and my two cats all within the year of one another, I have had nightly nightmares that have me re-live the worst times in my life thus far.
My dreams consist of seeing my mom pass away, become sick, or injure herself.
Last night, she choked and had a seizure in front of me.
My dreams consist of nightmare scenarios: being stuck in the ocean, shark attacks, losing friends and loved ones, falling from high altitudes, plane crashes…..
Last night, I fell through the sky, off of a skyscraper, and I felt it. I felt the roller-coaster feeling for a long time.
Will I ever recover? Will these ever go away?
I’m stuck in my trauma, awake and asleep.
Dear Me At 23
I am sorry you felt the need to binge tv shows nightly and eat fast food to soothe yourself.
You stopped seeing friends except on the weekend when you would get wasted.
I am sorry you slept with numerous men who did not care about you.
(Remember the one who slept with you, took your cigarettes and then left and never talked to you again? Shout out to Kyle from Longmeadow, Mass. You reignited my trauma, yet I feel sorry for you. I saw those sadness in your eyes. I hope you are ok.)
I am sorry you let your mother, who loved you and who you loved very much, to control your emotions like a light switch….so badly that self harm and disordered eating became a part of your life.
I am NOT sorry for these experiences. They taught me lessons.
I am sorry for the hurt they caused my sensitive soul though.
Now, we will heal, but it’s up to me when.
When?
I don’t know.
My Doctor Failed Me Today
I have been trying to get off of the fake love of my life, cannabis concentrate, for the last few years.
I have worked with substance abuse teams, therapists and group sessions.
I am now in an intensive DBT program at this place I’ve received all of my care. In order to be in the program, it is required you see one out of three of their doctors.
I’ve been seeing Dr. I* for over a year. Overall our relationship was cordial. She has a heavy accent and sometimes I can’t follow along with what she is saying, and I end up letting it brush by because, well, I have social anxiety.
Today, I came into the session planning to inquire why she dropped by antidepressant dose in half overnight, and maybe that is why I am struggling weaning off of 1gram of cannabis concentrate.
My partner was sitting next to me when after I approached the subject and let her know my feelings politely, Dr.I basically said “we have tried everything and at this point we are back at square one.”
Square one? I’ve been busting my ass getting clean. I gave up nicotine and alcohol! Why does she just seem to always tell me, “you just need to stop.”
That doesn’t work. Period.
To Be Continued.
The Ones That Live Within
“I do not sleep because I am not only afraid of the monsters at my door, but also of the monsters my own mind can conjure. The ones that live within.”
Samantha Shannon, The Priory of the Orange Tree
A Thank You Note
When a mental health professional that you’ve been working with leaves, it can feel devastating.
These people can provide what we never had.
Validation, reassurance, appreciation and love.
When they leave, it can feel like we are no longer validated, reassured, appreciated, or loved.
What we can try to remember is the gifts they have left.
They left us with new skills, new ideas, new outlooks.
They gifted us with a new way to travel on the road called life.
And while we can feel grief, sadness and whatever emotions come up over them leaving, we can carve out some time for gratitude.
For without these professionals, our lives can feel lonely, unreal and incomplete.
So, today, I am sending love and kindness to my particular mental health professional that is leaving in a few weeks.
Thank you.
Thank you for being there while I stopped drinking, and when I grieved for my mother. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for always validating me and providing me with comfort and laughs.
Thank you for teaching me about death and dying and your times in hospice. We knew my mom brought us together somehow.
“I appreciate you…especially your heart.” —Anonymous
Be Here Now
It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.
George Harrison
Love Endures
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”
Haldir, J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
Limitations
I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.
Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
