I flip through the pages of my life
I see torn moments
Some blank moments, too
Crying to myself because the only constant
Was you
Tag: poetry
Codependency
With you
I feel whole
Without you
I feel like half of myself
With you
I am afraid to lose myself
Without you
I am afraid to find myself
Memories
do you remember
(cloudy eyes in november)
do you remember
(vacant brain, AA member)
do you remember
(our first kiss, sparks fade into embers)
do you remember
(saving ourselves, forever each others mental mentors)
do you remember
(making love, eyes fixed, no other contenders)
do you remember
(the pretty boy, our slender defender)
do you remember
(establishing our love, innocent splendor)
“i will always remember these rich memories”
speaks the troubled lamenter
Nuclear Family
family by birth
is not
rooted with chains
instead
it is
rooted with choice
love is not gone
instead
love is choosing
what you deserve
Abandonment
in the end
i hope you turn around
and come back
just as fast
as you left
Antidepressant
my brain is lacking dopamine
everything feels like a dream
in the mist of serotonin–noradrenaline
i start to wonder who really is genuine
JRM
the arch of my back
your hands on my hips
the closeness is unfamiliar yet welcome
come even closer
let’s explore this bliss
together while intertwined
PTSD Nightmares: The Nightly Battle
Over the last year, after losing my Mom and my two cats all within the year of one another, I have had nightly nightmares that have me re-live the worst times in my life thus far.
My dreams consist of seeing my mom pass away, become sick, or injure herself.
Last night, she choked and had a seizure in front of me.
My dreams consist of nightmare scenarios: being stuck in the ocean, shark attacks, losing friends and loved ones, falling from high altitudes, plane crashes…..
Last night, I fell through the sky, off of a skyscraper, and I felt it. I felt the roller-coaster feeling for a long time.
Will I ever recover? Will these ever go away?
I’m stuck in my trauma, awake and asleep.
Dear Me At 23
I am sorry you felt the need to binge tv shows nightly and eat fast food to soothe yourself.
You stopped seeing friends except on the weekend when you would get wasted.
I am sorry you slept with numerous men who did not care about you.
(Remember the one who slept with you, took your cigarettes and then left and never talked to you again? Shout out to Kyle from Longmeadow, Mass. You reignited my trauma, yet I feel sorry for you. I saw those sadness in your eyes. I hope you are ok.)
I am sorry you let your mother, who loved you and who you loved very much, to control your emotions like a light switch….so badly that self harm and disordered eating became a part of your life.
I am NOT sorry for these experiences. They taught me lessons.
I am sorry for the hurt they caused my sensitive soul though.
Now, we will heal, but it’s up to me when.
When?
I don’t know.
Love Endures
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”
Haldir, J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
