I don’t remember much of my childhood.
The memories I do remember are best kept hidden deep inside.
They swirl around my insides like a whirlpool of dead stars into a black hole.
But my dear reader, I can’t hide them anymore.
It’s all too much.
These dead stars poison my body and soul.
Please take them from me.
Reach into that black hole and hold them for awhile.
And then, please stay awhile.
I cannot be left alone with them, again.
my brain is lacking dopamine
everything feels like a dream
in the mist of serotonin–noradrenaline
i start to wonder who really is genuine
Over the last year, after losing my Mom and my two cats all within the year of one another, I have had nightly nightmares that have me re-live the worst times in my life thus far.
My dreams consist of seeing my mom pass away, become sick, or injure herself.
Last night, she choked and had a seizure in front of me.
My dreams consist of nightmare scenarios: being stuck in the ocean, shark attacks, losing friends and loved ones, falling from high altitudes, plane crashes…..
Last night, I fell through the sky, off of a skyscraper, and I felt it. I felt the roller-coaster feeling for a long time.
Will I ever recover? Will these ever go away?
I’m stuck in my trauma, awake and asleep.
I am sorry you felt the need to binge tv shows nightly and eat fast food to soothe yourself.
You stopped seeing friends except on the weekend when you would get wasted.
I am sorry you slept with numerous men who did not care about you.
(Remember the one who slept with you, took your cigarettes and then left and never talked to you again? Shout out to Kyle from Longmeadow, Mass. You reignited my trauma, yet I feel sorry for you. I saw those sadness in your eyes. I hope you are ok.)
I am sorry you let your mother, who loved you and who you loved very much, to control your emotions like a light switch….so badly that self harm and disordered eating became a part of your life.
I am NOT sorry for these experiences. They taught me lessons.
I am sorry for the hurt they caused my sensitive soul though.
Now, we will heal, but it’s up to me when.
When?
I don’t know.
I am unsure if I will live through these addictions. The addictions of life. These addictions keep me going, keep me living, keep me surviving. The happy moments I have had these past years has been manufactured by a chemical substance. How will I ever be able to experience something that instantaneous happiness that GREAT again?
What is it like waking up under no influence of a pill, an herb, or a toxin? What is it like waking up like when I was a little girl?
The little girl before trauma. The little girl who wanted her bottle, her blanket, her Baka. The little girl who was robbed of her childhood and yet forgives those who robbed it from her.
Oh, that little Kayla was such a sweet soul. She had no hate in her body. She had love. The hate came later on disguised as rage. Rage against being forced to grow up without feeling completely nurtured.
Sadly, I do not see waking up as my natural self ever again in my lifetime.
I have been trying to get off of the fake love of my life, cannabis concentrate, for the last few years.
I have worked with substance abuse teams, therapists and group sessions.
I am now in an intensive DBT program at this place I’ve received all of my care. In order to be in the program, it is required you see one out of three of their doctors.
I’ve been seeing Dr. I* for over a year. Overall our relationship was cordial. She has a heavy accent and sometimes I can’t follow along with what she is saying, and I end up letting it brush by because, well, I have social anxiety.
Today, I came into the session planning to inquire why she dropped by antidepressant dose in half overnight, and maybe that is why I am struggling weaning off of 1gram of cannabis concentrate.
My partner was sitting next to me when after I approached the subject and let her know my feelings politely, Dr.I basically said “we have tried everything and at this point we are back at square one.”
Square one? I’ve been busting my ass getting clean. I gave up nicotine and alcohol! Why does she just seem to always tell me, “you just need to stop.”
That doesn’t work. Period.
To Be Continued.
“I do not sleep because I am not only afraid of the monsters at my door, but also of the monsters my own mind can conjure. The ones that live within.”
Samantha Shannon, The Priory of the Orange Tree
Unlike other forms of psychological disorders, the core issue in trauma is reality
Bessel A. Van der Kolk, Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”
Haldir, J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
Written by: Kayla Mason
It’s no secret that during the emergence of the Covid-19 virus, anxiety and depression rates have skyrocketed.
Rates of anxiety and depression among U.S. adults were about 4 times higher between April 2020 and August 2021 than they were in 2019 (Deangelis).
In 2020 and 2021, I talked with people that I had known for years who, for the first time, were now speaking to me about their mental health.
As much as I, and possibly the whole world, wish this virus had never been sprung into our already chaotic lives, it has, and though we cannot control the virus, we can control how we cope.
Here are 5 ways to help ease your depression symptoms right now
You always hear people say the common phrase, “Life is over in a flash!”… Or, at least, I’ve heard it a billion times in my thirty-year lifetime. Anyway, that phrase is a fact, and life is indeed short. It does pass us by fast, and we often take advantage of that.
Writing down people, places, and things that you are happy to have in this life, prompts us to remember better times in our lives.
more here: https://www.psycom.net/how-to-be-happy
Listen.
There have been periods in my life when I’ve not showered for days. I’m not proud of it; actually, I’m really embarrassed.
So, I can understand when others struggle with maintaining adequate daily personal hygiene.
Like anything, there can be many reasons people do not care to shower, bathe, brush their teeth, etc.
People or families may not be able to afford hygiene products or may not have access to these products.
Taking care of yourself is more than just focusing on the physical. Other types of self-care include focusing on your emotional health, work-life, or finances. Balancing all of these aspects of our lives ensures a healthy lifestyle.
According to Williams (2019), socializing not only staves off feelings of loneliness but also helps sharpen memory and cognitive skills and increases your sense of happiness and well-being, and may even help you live longer.
I am known to isolate in my own home for various reasons. I struggle to leave the house because of intense anxiety focused on socializing. It’s tough to push myself out the door to connect with people. I can absolutely understand people’s struggles with socializing with others and maintaining relationships.
What is important to remember is how you feel when connecting with people outside of your household.
If you feel apprehensive, anxious, or scared, then maybe you have some inner work to do with your relationships.
If you feel refreshed, joyful and accomplished, then maybe you are ready to dive into the world and explore what kind of relationships fit you best.
I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve had a mental health professional ask me, “Have you gone outside today?” which is usually followed by the roll of my eyes.
Then something magical happens. I literally drag myself (the worst feeling!) out of my apartment, whether it’s to walk to the car or to Dunkin Donuts and…..I FEEL BETTER.
I notice the air and how it feels. I see the sounds all around me and they feel familiar; they feel right. It feels good to be outside, AND it feels good that I pushed myself out of my dungeon and into a garden of sorts.
So, honestly, try to go outside. Even for a few seconds. How do you feel?
Research shows that visits to forests, rural areas, and parks can improve mental health and thinking skills, even in people with depression. Exposure to natural environments can also help fight mental fatigue and reduce stress.
more here: https://www.psycom.net/mental-health-wellbeing/mental-health-benefits-nature/
Like being told to go outside, I’ve continuously been told that meditation is extremely helpful in treating mental health symptoms. Last year, I meditated more than I ever have and found joy in it. Although, I also found discomfort. It’s not comfortable to face your thoughts head-on, quietly, while being mindful.
I personally find that guided meditations are the most helpful, especially for someone who has dealt with complex trauma throughout their life. It’s easier and more beneficial to focus on what the meditation teacher is saying vs. reoccurring intrusive thoughts flying around at hyperspeed.
Another way to meditate safely could be by visualizing a happy time in your life or by envisioning a safe place in your mind where you can be present. What does your safe place look like? What is around you? Where are you? Will anyone join you here?
Kayla Mason is a Communication student at Southern New Hampshire University who is majoring in New Media and Marketing.
She belongs to the Freelance Union, which provides support through policy advocacy, benefits, resources, and community while raising writers’ voices to make sure they are heard. She also belongs to the National Writers Union. The purpose of the N.W.U. is to promote and protect its members’ rights, interests, and economic advancement, organize writers to improve professional working conditions through collective bargaining actions and provide professional services to members.
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DISCLAIMER The materials and content contained in this website are for general information only and are not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users of this website should not rely on the information provided for their own health needs. All specific questions should be presented to your own health care provider.
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Work Cited
Deangelis, Tori. “Depression and Anxiety Escalate during COVID.” Monitor on Psychology, American Psychological Association, 2021, https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/11/numbers-depression-anxiety.
“Mayo Clinic Minute: The Benefits of Being Socially Connected – Mayo Clinic News Network.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 19 Apr. 2019, https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/mayo-clinic-minute-the-benefits-of-being-socially-connected/#:~:text=Socializing%20is%20good%20for%20your%20mind%20and%20body.&text=Socializing%20not%20only%20staves%20off,connecting%20via%20technology%20also%20works.
Monaghan, Elizabeth. “For Optimal Mental Health, Add a Regular Dose of Nature.” PSYCOM, https://www.psycom.net/mental-health-wellbeing/mental-health-benefits-nature/.
