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Misplaced Grief

it’s important to remember while we grieve to not get lost in it.

it’s important to remember while we grieve to not let it rule our day.

it’s important to remember while we grieve to not misplace the grief.

placing the grief on the shelf for a little while is nothing to worry about, that’s natural coping.

placing the grief far back onto a dusty bookshelf full of misplaced emotions, on the other hand, is detrimental.

let us remember what the loss has given us – a chance of renewal, a chance to change behaviors that are not serving us, a chance to treat others how we wish we treated our lost loved one.

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A Child’s Lament

I don’t remember much of my childhood.

The memories I do remember are best kept hidden deep inside.

They swirl around my insides like a whirlpool of dead stars into a black hole.

But my dear reader, I can’t hide them anymore.

It’s all too much.

These dead stars poison my body and soul.

Please take them from me.

Reach into that black hole and hold them for awhile.

And then, please stay awhile.

I cannot be left alone with them, again.

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PTSD Nightmares: The Nightly Battle

Over the last year, after losing my Mom and my two cats all within the year of one another, I have had nightly nightmares that have me re-live the worst times in my life thus far.

My dreams consist of seeing my mom pass away, become sick, or injure herself.

Last night, she choked and had a seizure in front of me.

My dreams consist of nightmare scenarios: being stuck in the ocean, shark attacks, losing friends and loved ones, falling from high altitudes, plane crashes…..

Last night, I fell through the sky, off of a skyscraper, and I felt it. I felt the roller-coaster feeling for a long time.

Will I ever recover? Will these ever go away?

I’m stuck in my trauma, awake and asleep.

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Dear Me At 23

I am sorry you felt the need to binge tv shows nightly and eat fast food to soothe yourself.

You stopped seeing friends except on the weekend when you would get wasted.

I am sorry you slept with numerous men who did not care about you.

(Remember the one who slept with you, took your cigarettes and then left and never talked to you again? Shout out to Kyle from Longmeadow, Mass. You reignited my trauma, yet I feel sorry for you. I saw those sadness in your eyes. I hope you are ok.)

I am sorry you let your mother, who loved you and who you loved very much, to control your emotions like a light switch….so badly that self harm and disordered eating became a part of your life.

I am NOT sorry for these experiences. They taught me lessons.

I am sorry for the hurt they caused my sensitive soul though.

Now, we will heal, but it’s up to me when.

When?

I don’t know.

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My Addiction Is My Relief

I am unsure if I will live through these addictions. The addictions of life. These addictions keep me going, keep me living, keep me surviving. The happy moments I have had these past years has been manufactured by a chemical substance. How will I ever be able to experience something that instantaneous happiness that GREAT again?

What is it like waking up under no influence of a pill, an herb, or a toxin? What is it like waking up like when I was a little girl?

The little girl before trauma. The little girl who wanted her bottle, her blanket, her Baka. The little girl who was robbed of her childhood and yet forgives those who robbed it from her.

Oh, that little Kayla was such a sweet soul. She had no hate in her body. She had love. The hate came later on disguised as rage. Rage against being forced to grow up without feeling completely nurtured.

Sadly, I do not see waking up as my natural self ever again in my lifetime.

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Life in the Time of Covid

Wake up. Remember reality. Go back to bed.

This is how I, and I’m sure at some point you, have felt since March of 2020.

Now, let’s forget for a second that Covid-19 is a virus.

Let’s make it real, let us give this monster a name, an identity.

Basically, the Monster, previously named Covid-19, showed up one day, risked murdering the majority of our population, ceased to leave us alone, and has morphed into a million little personalities; not anti-social ones either.

The Monster has changed everything, forever. I’m not sure if we will be coming back to what we knew before. Many people are outraged, many are scared, and many are neutral. There is no one ‘ right’ answer to this Monster mess and we know it. I have no idea what we should do to protect those we love or how to make sure we are spending valuable time with loved ones and not spend it isolating. The Monster feeds off instability and we have that here.

Okay. It’s time for some radical acceptance. We are at where we are at. People will hate wearing masks, and others will not mind at all. People will resist vaccines, and people will get vaccines.

What we can do is be curious with ourselves.

Why does their behavior weigh so heavily on my mind?

Why do I care what the ‘other side’ is doing with their lives?

Yes, it’s valid to be angry with people that don’t agree with you.

No, its unessecary to consistently gripe with them.

My main point to this, is to live your life focusing on what you can do to change your life and the life around you.

This whole Monster virus is about love. It takes away what we love – family, businesses, friends, freedom, etc.

We have no idea when our time is up here, and when we are on our death beds, the last thing we want to be thinking of, is how much time we spent, on battling those who disagreed.

Lets try to love more, instead.

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The Smoking Woman

the last time i saw you

was years before you died

that big smirk, hazel eyes

wrinkled face, aged and wise

leaving your home, i reverse to see

the door ajar, peeking out at me

the smoking woman seeming carefree

dog in hand, both of you, short and gutsy

i wave goodbye, ‘i love you’ with glee

knowing one day i will miss this reality

the last time i saw her

almost two years has passed

my personal doomsday

an emotional bomb blast

i have no choice, i look at that day

as the other side gently making way

for the gutsy smoking woman

April 23rd, feast day