Over the last year, after losing my Mom and my two cats all within the year of one another, I have had nightly nightmares that have me re-live the worst times in my life thus far.
My dreams consist of seeing my mom pass away, become sick, or injure herself.
Last night, she choked and had a seizure in front of me.
My dreams consist of nightmare scenarios: being stuck in the ocean, shark attacks, losing friends and loved ones, falling from high altitudes, plane crashes…..
Last night, I fell through the sky, off of a skyscraper, and I felt it. I felt the roller-coaster feeling for a long time.
I am sorry you felt the need to binge tv shows nightly and eat fast food to soothe yourself.
You stopped seeing friends except on the weekend when you would get wasted.
I am sorry you slept with numerous men who did not care about you.
(Remember the one who slept with you, took your cigarettes and then left and never talked to you again? Shout out to Kyle from Longmeadow, Mass. You reignited my trauma, yet I feel sorry for you. I saw those sadness in your eyes. I hope you are ok.)
I am sorry you let your mother, who loved you and who you loved very much, to control your emotions like a light switch….so badly that self harm and disordered eating became a part of your life.
I am NOT sorry for these experiences. They taught me lessons.
I am sorry for the hurt they caused my sensitive soul though.
I am unsure if I will live through these addictions. The addictions of life. These addictions keep me going, keep me living, keep me surviving. The happy moments I have had these past years has been manufactured by a chemical substance. How will I ever be able to experience something that instantaneous happiness that GREAT again?
What is it like waking up under no influence of a pill, an herb, or a toxin? What is it like waking up like when I was a little girl?
The little girl before trauma. The little girl who wanted her bottle, her blanket, her Baka. The little girl who was robbed of her childhood and yet forgives those who robbed it from her.
Oh, that little Kayla was such a sweet soul. She had no hate in her body. She had love. The hate came later on disguised as rage. Rage against being forced to grow up without feeling completely nurtured.
Sadly, I do not see waking up as my natural self ever again in my lifetime.
I have been trying to get off of the fake love of my life, cannabis concentrate, for the last few years.
I have worked with substance abuse teams, therapists and group sessions.
I am now in an intensive DBT program at this place I’ve received all of my care. In order to be in the program, it is required you see one out of three of their doctors.
I’ve been seeing Dr. I* for over a year. Overall our relationship was cordial. She has a heavy accent and sometimes I can’t follow along with what she is saying, and I end up letting it brush by because, well, I have social anxiety.
Today, I came into the session planning to inquire why she dropped by antidepressant dose in half overnight, and maybe that is why I am struggling weaning off of 1gram of cannabis concentrate.
My partner was sitting next to me when after I approached the subject and let her know my feelings politely, Dr.I basically said “we have tried everything and at this point we are back at square one.”
Square one? I’ve been busting my ass getting clean. I gave up nicotine and alcohol! Why does she just seem to always tell me, “you just need to stop.”
When a mental health professional that you’ve been working with leaves, it can feel devastating.
These people can provide what we never had.
Validation, reassurance, appreciation and love.
When they leave, it can feel like we are no longer validated, reassured, appreciated, or loved.
What we can try to remember is the gifts they have left.
They left us with new skills, new ideas, new outlooks.
They gifted us with a new way to travel on the road called life.
And while we can feel grief, sadness and whatever emotions come up over them leaving, we can carve out some time for gratitude.
For without these professionals, our lives can feel lonely, unreal and incomplete.
So, today, I am sending love and kindness to my particular mental health professional that is leaving in a few weeks.
Thank you.
Thank you for being there while I stopped drinking, and when I grieved for my mother. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for always validating me and providing me with comfort and laughs.
Thank you for teaching me about death and dying and your times in hospice. We knew my mom brought us together somehow.
“I appreciate you…especially your heart.” —Anonymous
It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”
It’s no secret that during the emergence of the Covid-19 virus, anxiety and depression rates have skyrocketed.
Rates of anxiety and depression among U.S. adults were about 4 times higher between April 2020 and August 2021 than they were in 2019 (Deangelis).
In 2020 and 2021, I talked with people that I had known for years who, for the first time, were now speaking to me about their mental health.
As much as I, and possibly the whole world, wish this virus had never been sprung into our already chaotic lives, it has, and though we cannot control the virus, we can control how we cope.
Here are 5 ways to help ease your depression symptoms right now
1. Write A Gratitude List
You always hear people say the common phrase, “Life is over in a flash!”… Or, at least, I’ve heard it a billion times in my thirty-year lifetime. Anyway, that phrase is a fact, and life is indeed short. It does pass us by fast, and we often take advantage of that.
Writing down people, places, and things that you are happy to have in this life, prompts us to remember better times in our lives.
There have been periods in my life when I’ve not showered for days. I’m not proud of it; actually, I’m really embarrassed.
So, I can understand when others struggle with maintaining adequate daily personal hygiene.
Like anything, there can be many reasons people do not care to shower, bathe, brush their teeth, etc.
People or families may not be able to afford hygiene products or may not have access to these products.
Taking care of yourself is more than just focusing on the physical. Other types of self-care include focusing on your emotional health, work-life, or finances. Balancing all of these aspects of our lives ensures a healthy lifestyle.
3. Connect With Others
According to Williams (2019), socializing not only staves off feelings of loneliness but also helps sharpen memory and cognitive skills and increases your sense of happiness and well-being, and may even help you live longer.
I am known to isolate in my own home for various reasons. I struggle to leave the house because of intense anxiety focused on socializing. It’s tough to push myself out the door to connect with people. I can absolutely understand people’s struggles with socializing with others and maintaining relationships.
What is important to remember is how you feel when connecting with people outside of your household.
If you feel apprehensive, anxious, or scared, then maybe you have some inner work to do with your relationships.
If you feel refreshed, joyful and accomplished, then maybe you are ready to dive into the world and explore what kind of relationships fit you best.
4. Get Outside
I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve had a mental health professional ask me, “Have you gone outside today?” which is usually followed by the roll of my eyes.
Then something magical happens. I literally drag myself (the worst feeling!) out of my apartment, whether it’s to walk to the car or to Dunkin Donuts and…..I FEEL BETTER.
I notice the air and how it feels. I see the sounds all around me and they feel familiar; they feel right. It feels good to be outside, AND it feels good that I pushed myself out of my dungeon and into a garden of sorts.
So, honestly, try to go outside. Even for a few seconds. How do you feel?
Research shows that visits to forests, rural areas, and parks can improve mental health and thinking skills, even in people with depression. Exposure to natural environments can also help fight mental fatigue and reduce stress.
Like being told to go outside, I’ve continuously been told that meditation is extremely helpful in treating mental health symptoms. Last year, I meditated more than I ever have and found joy in it. Although, I also found discomfort. It’s not comfortable to face your thoughts head-on, quietly, while being mindful.
I personally find that guided meditations are the most helpful, especially for someone who has dealt with complex trauma throughout their life. It’s easier and more beneficial to focus on what the meditation teacher is saying vs. reoccurring intrusive thoughts flying around at hyperspeed.
Another way to meditate safely could be by visualizing a happy time in your life or by envisioning a safe place in your mind where you can be present. What does your safe place look like? What is around you? Where are you? Will anyone join you here?
Kayla Mason is a thirty-one-year-old Communication student, working on her Master’s degree at Southern New Hampshire University. Kayla was raised in The Berkshires, a quaint area in Massachusetts surrounded by art and culture. She uses her writing as an expression and as a respite from the symptoms of her mental illness. She hopes to bring awareness to the importance of mental health access and to the importance of living mindfully day by day.
Kayla Mason is a Communication student at Southern New Hampshire University who is majoring in New Media and Marketing.
She belongs to the Freelance Union, which provides support through policy advocacy, benefits, resources, and community while raising writers’ voices to make sure they are heard. She also belongs to the National Writers Union. The purpose of the N.W.U. is to promote and protect its members’ rights, interests, and economic advancement, organize writers to improve professional working conditions through collective bargaining actions and provide professional services to members.
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FOR IMMEDIATE SUPPORT If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
