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PTSD Nightmares: The Nightly Battle

Over the last year, after losing my Mom and my two cats all within the year of one another, I have had nightly nightmares that have me re-live the worst times in my life thus far.

My dreams consist of seeing my mom pass away, become sick, or injure herself.

Last night, she choked and had a seizure in front of me.

My dreams consist of nightmare scenarios: being stuck in the ocean, shark attacks, losing friends and loved ones, falling from high altitudes, plane crashes…..

Last night, I fell through the sky, off of a skyscraper, and I felt it. I felt the roller-coaster feeling for a long time.

Will I ever recover? Will these ever go away?

I’m stuck in my trauma, awake and asleep.

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Dear Me At 23

I am sorry you felt the need to binge tv shows nightly and eat fast food to soothe yourself.

You stopped seeing friends except on the weekend when you would get wasted.

I am sorry you slept with numerous men who did not care about you.

(Remember the one who slept with you, took your cigarettes and then left and never talked to you again? Shout out to Kyle from Longmeadow, Mass. You reignited my trauma, yet I feel sorry for you. I saw those sadness in your eyes. I hope you are ok.)

I am sorry you let your mother, who loved you and who you loved very much, to control your emotions like a light switch….so badly that self harm and disordered eating became a part of your life.

I am NOT sorry for these experiences. They taught me lessons.

I am sorry for the hurt they caused my sensitive soul though.

Now, we will heal, but it’s up to me when.

When?

I don’t know.

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My Doctor Failed Me Today

I have been trying to get off of the fake love of my life, cannabis concentrate, for the last few years.

I have worked with substance abuse teams, therapists and group sessions.

I am now in an intensive DBT program at this place I’ve received all of my care. In order to be in the program, it is required you see one out of three of their doctors.

I’ve been seeing Dr. I* for over a year. Overall our relationship was cordial. She has a heavy accent and sometimes I can’t follow along with what she is saying, and I end up letting it brush by because, well, I have social anxiety.

Today, I came into the session planning to inquire why she dropped by antidepressant dose in half overnight, and maybe that is why I am struggling weaning off of 1gram of cannabis concentrate.

My partner was sitting next to me when after I approached the subject and let her know my feelings politely, Dr.I basically said “we have tried everything and at this point we are back at square one.”

Square one? I’ve been busting my ass getting clean. I gave up nicotine and alcohol! Why does she just seem to always tell me, “you just need to stop.”

That doesn’t work. Period.

To Be Continued.

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Be Here Now

It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.

George Harrison
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Love Endures

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

Haldir, J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
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Lune

I stop for a moment and look up.

In front of me, I see a square window surrounded by chipping paint flakes and coated in a deep brown color; similar to the dark color of my soul.

The curiosity reels me in, and I’m standing directly in front of the window now, so close that I can open or close it.

I look up. There it is, I think. Above me was a round and majestic glowing figure that seemingly met me here, at this same spot, for years now.

Some call it The Moon.

To me, I don’t care what it is called, as it puts me in a trance when it’s around.

I’ve…fallen in love with this…thing.

It never fails me, nor abandons, nor shames.

It just exists and lets me live next to it, without any judgment.

“Edmund! Edmund!”

I hear my wife calling from the porch across the way. I hope she gets tired and gives up with that yelling. Her voice used to spark a flame in me; now, sometimes, it extinguishes it.

I look up one more time before I must go.

The Moon has drifted farther from where it last was, and a jolt of sadness arises in me.

“Edmund! Get over ‘ere I need yah!”

I take a deep breath in and one breath out. My hands are clenched, yet I slowly let the stress from my body go.

This is why The Moon and I meet every night.

We are not involved in some scandalous love affair; no, we are engaged in a community.

When I am with The Moon, I create and build mastery in my life. I build what I’ve lost with my wife…

We never may know where we go one day to the next – or what may happen tomorrow, or a minute from now.

At least I know the Moon stays consistent for me, and I for it.

“EDMUND!!”

I break my gaze with my new lover, shuffle over to the barn door, and see Millie on the porch, in her nightdress, looking beautiful. The way her hair naturally swayed in the wind was memorizing.

Until she opened her mouth.

As I headed across the field towards the house, I couldn’t seem to focus, because our home was now glazed over in Moonlight, like the Moon was giving me a gift of departure.

We will meet again, My Moon. Until tomorrow.

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Surfing the Wave

You don’t choose to be depressed.

In the time of ‘be positive!’, it can be difficult to validate our own feelings about our mental state.

In reality, it’s okay to feel however you feel. If you are feeling sad, happy, lonely, horny, or rageful, those feelings are coming from somewhere; they are valid.

What we do with those feelings shows where we are; how long the kettle can boil without exploding.

We really need to choose better ways to cope, better ways to communicate, and better ways to surf the waves.

Let’s be kind to ourselves. We deserve to feel these emotions, good and bad. That is the complexity of this weird life; we love, we hurt, then we learn.

So today, instead of choosing positivity, choose to cope.

Choose to surf the waves.